Aaron Pecker, the head of the Interglobal
Crisis Naming Bureau, is disturbed as he reads the morning news hologram. The
bright red headline reads “Mass Panic in the Market as Trojans on the Verge of
Default: ICNB yet to name the crisis.” across the light blue holographic
background.
Aaron sets down the news hologram.
The article that had been in the hologram disappears. He clears his throat and
speaks seemingly to no one.
“Wendy, gather the boardmembers.”
He commands. “Tell them to meet in the Naming Room in 10 minutes.”
A female voice responds inside of
his ear.
“Yes, Mr. Pecker.” The female voice
belongs to the aforementioned Wendy.
10 minutes later, Aaron walks into
a room with a conference table full of expert crisis namers. Near the end of
the table, next to the empty chair that Aaron would soon occupy, sits Bill, the
phonetics expert. Next to him: Graham, the grammar expert. Next to Graham:
Kelly, the professional on words. The rest of the board members are there to give
the false impression that the ICNB Naming Committee is larger than it is in
reality.
Aaron takes a seat next to Bill. He
clears his throat.
“As I’m sure you are all aware, the
Trojans are extremely likely to default on their bailout loan in the next week
or two. It’s our task, as always, to create a name for this impending crisis so
the media has something to call this to make it seem worse than it actually is.
Bill, tell me what you have so far.”
Bill shuffles some papers around in
order to look more professional. It is merely a ritual. Paper has been obsolete
for centuries.
“I have been working on a name for
some time. The Trojanpocalypse.” Bill announces proudly, as if every name the
ICNB made up didn’t feature –pocalypse, -gate, or -mageddon at the end.
The boardmembers are awestruck.
They deliberate momentarily, as though they haven’t already made up their minds.
Aaron nods.
“I love it. Let’s send a sample
headline to The News. “Trojanpocalypse rocks the Earth. How will the Trojans
deal with impending doom and will The Elders do anything about it?”
Graham is confused.
“A…sample headline, sir?”
Aaron nods.
“Yes, a sample headline, so the
incompetent media can have something to work off of.”
Mental light bulbs go off. The rest
of the naming committee is impressed.
“That’s ingenious.” Kelly responds,
“Can’t believe we haven’t thought of that before.”
Bill nods.
“It gives our names more street
cred. Lets us practically show off our naming talents.” He adds. “I like it.”
Aaron nods.
“So, let’s sum up the meeting so
far. Trojanpocalypse and sample headline. Everyone keeping up?”
The rest of the committee nods in
unison.
“Good, so the next item on our
agenda….” Aaron opens up a blue news hologram and reads for a moment, “It looks
like there’s a baby missing in ÜberUtah. It’s all over the
news holograms. What should we call it? Yes, Graham.”
Graham clears his throat.
“What about ‘Babypocalypse’?”
Aaron smiles.
“Ingenious, Graham!”
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